


wasting my young years

by xitsshad



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Crying, Fluff, M/M, Mark needs a hug, a lot of it, blame it on them, dear dream inspired this, hyuck is an angel, mark is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-07-07 01:41:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15898338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xitsshad/pseuds/xitsshad
Summary: There are a lot of things Mark knows how to do well. But loving is not one of them.





	wasting my young years

**Author's Note:**

> hello!  
> well, i was listening to dear dream and my emo hours opened.   
> so, listen to it while reading, and also to wasting my young years by london grammar!
> 
> talk mark lee to me on [twitter](%E2%80%9Dwww.twitter.com/shad_twt%E2%80%9D)!

A pen. A piece of paper. A pair of headphones.

Eyes glued to the sheet, head bobbing to the beat, lyrics quickly noted in messy handwriting.

Mark Lee, golden trainee, knows this too well. It’s the only thing he knows. The only thing he’s known since he was fourteen.

His thoughts flow along with a slow, melodic tune. His mind has been drawn away from the song itself, and it’s now wandering, exploring places it shouldn’t be visiting.

Mark removes his headphones, but it’s too late. He’s alone, in a dimly lit recording room. Everything is silent apart from the faint music coming from the track and his own breathing. There’s no one, nothing to distract him, nothing to do to avoid these unwanted thoughts.

He can’t escape thinking about Donghyuck.

It’s exactly in these kind of times that Mark’s head fill with images of a sunkissed, glowing boy. His angelic voice, his pretty laughter. His warm behaviour towards Mark, even if the latter always pushes him away.

How can he not? How can he deal with Donghyuck being affectionate, when just looking at him by afar makes his head spin and his heart ache?

Donghyuck is both who he wants to be and who he  _ wants. _

But even though they joke about it often, Mark is not his soulmate. He can’t be. Donghyuck deserves everything Mark can’t give him; he deserves all the love in the world. He doesn’t deserve a confused, scared, twenty-year-old boy. 

There are a lot of things Mark knows how to do well. But loving is not one of them.

-

His painful, self-destructive train of thoughts must have exhausted him to the point of falling asleep, because the next thing he knows, he’s being jostled awake by no other than Donghyuck.

“Mark, how many times did I tell you to stop falling asleep in the studio?” he asks, worry evident on his face. “You’re gonna hurt your neck sooner or later.”

Next thing he knows, Mark feels fingers carding through his black, freshly dyed hair. He closes his eyes and soaks in the feeling. He’s too tired to push the younger away now. So he takes it all in. How the other’s eyes are probably fixed on his face, checking his expression. Afraid of making the wrong move. His eyebrows slightly furrowed, but his hand soft and caring as he caresses Mark’s head. Donghyuck is always sweet like this, even though the older is not. Even though he plays his sadness off by laughing every time Mark pushes him away. Donghyuck is always there.

“Let’s go home, Mark. Or do you want me to pet you some more?.” he tugs at the other’s collar playfully, and Mark smiles slightly, rubbing his face.

“Okay, okay, I’m coming.” He gets up, takes his jacket, grabs Donghyuck’s sleeve and leads them out of the building. He realises what he’s done only when they’re out and cold air hits his face.

He looks at the younger, but the younger is already looking at him. He quickly lets go of his sleeve, and he panics. He was too vulnerable, he let himself be caught up in the whirlwind of his emotions. Again, again and again.

Donghyuck probably notices the other’s internal struggle, because he shakes his head and smiles bitterly. “You’re really unfair, Mark Lee.”

They don’t speak until they reach their respective rooms, when they exchange halfhearted  _ goodnight _ s.

_ - _

The next day is even worse. 

Mark keeps replaying the events of the night before in his head as soon as he wakes up: Donghyuck’s fingers carding through his hair, him almost holding his hand, and the younger’s disappointed face.

He can’t believe he keeps hurting Donghyuck when the only thing he wants is for him to be happy. He’s the one behind Donghyuck’s sometimes longing, bittersweet expressions. Behind his red-rimmed eyes.

They even have to spend the whole day together, recording one of the songs of their new album,  _ Dear Dream. _

Every single one of his members wrote lyrics especially for him. And, God, Mark loves them all. He loves them more than his life. 

But not the way he loves Donghyuck. Or the way he’s supposed to be. 

The only thought plaguing him throughout his entire morning is Donghyuck’s lyrics. What could he have written? What was actually on his mind? Did he hate him? After all he did, he wouldn’t be surprised. 

He just keeps hurting the most kind, loving, warm-hearted boy in the world. 

But when he opens the door to the dorm, everyone is gone except Donghyuck. He stands there with an expecting gaze, waiting for him. Always waiting.

Looking into the younger’s eyes, Mark can’t help it. “I’m sorry.” He doesn’t even know for what. _ I’m sorry for hurting you? I’m sorry for not being enough? I’m sorry you fell in love with me? _

Donghyuck is as taken aback as he is. “For what?” Then his face lights up, and continues. “If this is about last night, you know I was joking.” He pauses, deep in thought. “No matter what, you could never be unfair. Not to me.”

“How can you say it, Hyuck? How can you say I’m good to you?” Mark says, raising his voice, all the exasperation and pent-up emotions rising to the surface. “I keep hurting you, no matter what I do. I always fuck up. I don’t know how to handle it,” he smiles bitterly, eyes tearing up. “I can’t handle my breath being taken away whenever I look at you. It hurts pushing you away, you know?” 

“Mark…” Donghyuck starts, but the other starts speaking again.

“I want to love you, Hyuck. I want to be enough for you. But I’m lost. I don’t know how to.” he finishes, tears full-on streaming down his face. 

As soon as Donghyuck tries to reply, Mark quickly takes his things and storms past him, hurriedly running away from the dorm.

He gets to the studio with his eyes red, tears dry on this cheeks. No one asks anything.

Donghyuck doesn’t show up to recording that day.

-

Saying that Mark was terrified of going back home was an understatement.

He poured his heart out to Donghyuck without any warning, and left him there alone, hanging. It was the worst move he could’ve ever done, but Mark Lee isn’t able to deal with feelings. He just knows how to write lyrics and dance for hours without stopping.

Maybe Donghyuck will finally understand that he’s better without him.

When he enters the dorm that night, everyone was home, except for the person he was secretly yearning for. 

“He went out for a walk,” Taeyong says. “He wasn’t looking good, though. Did you two fight?”

A twinge of guilt shoots through Mark’s chest. “Kinda.” 

He silently walks towards his room, wanting to avoid other questions, chest heavier than ever, and plops on the bed. He puts his arm on his eyes, to avoid the tingling feelings of new tears threatening to fall. 

He’s scared of losing Donghyuck. No matter how much he wished the other forgot about him; he couldn’t bear the thought of actually living without him. Donghyuck was the tinge of light to his often dark world. Sometimes willingly, sometimes unknowingly. 

A tear falls down his cheek, and just like that, the floodgates open.

He cries for what feels like hours. Loud, heaving sobs tearing from his throat, and still all he thought about was how Donghyuck must be feeling in that exact moment. Is he crying too? Is the still thinking about him?

He closes his eyes for a second, and the first thing he notices when he opens them again is that it’s really dark, probably the middle of the night. He tries to raise an arm to rub his eyes, but he feels something holding it down. 

He looks down and his heart threatens to jump out of his chest when he realises someone is sleeping on his chest. There are only a few faint lights illuminating the person’s face, but Mark could recognize Donghyuck even when blindfolded and in a room full of people.

He makes out the slope of his pretty nose and his eyelashes caressing his cheeks. He looks so wonderful and so vulnerable at the same time, and Mark can’t help but bring his free hand to the other’s face, delicately and lovingly stroking it. 

He freezes when he feels the other shift, and one second later Donghyuck’s eyes are staring right at his. 

“Do you have to wait for me to be asleep to do this?” he asks, mumbling, still in a sleep-induced haze. “Or are you gonna push me off the bed and run away again?”

That hurt.

“I- I’m not.” He stutters. “I’m not running away.” Even if he wants to.

The younger smiles, and shifts his body until they’re facing each other. “That’s a step forward.”

Mark looks down, suddenly deeply ashamed. He opens his mouth, but Donghyuck beats him to it. “I’m tired of you.”

A bullet suddenly pierces his heart. He should’ve expected it. Even someone like Donghyuck has a breaking point. He took advantage of him for too long.

But before Mark can start self-destructing again, the other continues. “I’m tired of you thinking you’re not enough for me, that you can’t love me. I’m tired of you taking decisions for me. I’m tired of you putting yourself down, thinking that you’re hurting me.” he says, touching gently the older’s cheek, caressing it softly. “You can’t give up on us if we haven’t even tried.” he whispers.

Mark puts his hand over Donghyuck’s, squeezing it, seeking comfort. “I’m scared of getting hurt, Hyuck. I’m scared because I don’t know how to make you happy.”

“You don’t know how happy I am right now.” Donghyuck softly laughs. “There’s not a right way to love, Mark. I’m just happy by being with you. I can’t guarantee we won’t get hurt. We’ll probably fight, we’ll scream at each other, but we’ll eventually come back to this. And it’ll be worth it.”

Soft lights start seeping through the curtains. Mark looks at Donghyuck, then. He looks at him for real. With his disheveled hair, his flushed cheeks, his glassy eyes and his rosy lips.

And then he kisses him.

Kissing Donghyuck is nothing like he imagined. He expected thunder, fireworks, lighting shooting through his chest, but he can only feel calmness and tranquility, as if a light rain shower was falling on his heart, melting all the worries away. 

After what felt like years, they pulled away, and gazed lovingly at each other’s eyes. The younger was blushing even more than before, and Mark can’t help but hold the other close, his head buried in the older’s chest. Finally weightless.

“I’m still scared, Hyuck. But… it’s worth it. You’re worth everything.” he says, words muffled by the younger’s hair.

He feels Donghyuck holding him even closer, and hiding his smile in his chest.

And right then, Mark feels like he’s enough.

-

Later that day, Donghyuck is called in the studio to record his part for Dear Dream.

The others are all there, and they’re ecstatic to see their friends being themselves again. Mark sits between Renjun and Jaemin; they’re all chatting with each other and being noisy, but the older has eyes only for the boy inside the booth, fixing his headphones and looking at the lyrics he wrote by himself.

Even though they’re now together, Mark feels anxious. Donghyuck could’ve written literally anything. But when the latter looks up and locks eyes with him, smiling brightly, breathing gets a little easier.

The music starts. The other members’ voices fill the room.

Then it’s Donghyuck’s turn, and Mark stops breathing again, but for a whole different reason.

A happy tear escapes his eyes, and they lock eyes again. 

Donghyuck gets out of the booth, and Mark tackles him. The others whistle, but the entire world around them sounds like white noise. The younger giggles, and Mark can’t hold it in anymore.

“I love you, Hyuck.”

It’s worth it. He’s worth it.

 

_ Do you remember what I said _

_ Every night long time ago _

_ The compass I saw in my dreams _

_ I know now that it’s you _

 

_ I’ll be your home. _

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed! sorry if it felt a little rushed, i wrote it as a stream of consciousness lmao


End file.
